I didn't look at who was playing but I got in on a welfare tip in exchange for 'working' a total of eight hours on lost property so I thought fuck it it's a holiday. First thing I did when I got to the festival was buy the world's shittest most expensive burger and pay over the odds for some wellies 'cause chucks just don't cut it in the mud, obviously, idiot. Second thing I did was get twatted and watch my good friend Horacio Pollard play a riotous new set. He's really refined his screaming now, it's quite a thing. That was a highlight of the festival and it was the day before the festival.
The festival proper was just a bunch of shitty bands playing in a bunch of shitty tents to a shitload of white people, half of whom had dreads. You know what the best thing that can happen to a white guy with dreads is? Die in a hole.
Trance is shit.
People who smoke weed as a lifestyle choice are idiots.
The two best things at the whole festival were the only two black guys there, Dizzee Rascal and Jay-Z the rappers. They both put on top shows. Jay-Z imparticular was very good indeed, rhyming words at the end of almost every line he said, and even some in the middle of lines. And at one point, inbetween close-ups of his face, they projected a big picture of Barack Obama, but I don't think many people realised because they are all from the countryside and they've never seen one of those before. They probably thought it was just a bad camera angle of Jay-Z. Curiously, as if in some kind of attempt to leave the crowd feeling like they might have actually enjoyed their sets, both Rasket and Jay-Zed closed with terrible rap/white-music crossover tracks. Regretful stains on otherwise very satisfying sets. For shame.
Hot Chip were shit.
At some point I did some work on lost property which consisted of getting people to describe their car keys in minute detail while I ate free food. Overall the Glastonbury experience was quite good fun but I wouldn't pay £160 for it or bed down with all the scum in scousers' paradise. Fuck that.
See you next year Eavis.
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You're like 56 times more likely to get robbed in London than like Liverpool. OK, a scouser is probably going to rob you in London but whatevers you big hom
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